He laid his head on her lap with his eyes closed as if she was the most comforting place in the world and her chaotic mind quieted in the way she had only experienced once before in the presence of the grandmother she was still haunted by.
She noticed he was relaxing under her hands as she continued to feel his anguish from the inner workings of his mind fade away while she held him closer; letting everything she held in her heart for him ooze out of her burning fingertips.
She felt him start to become aroused when she moved his hand he held over his heart as if he was trying to hold in everything he was feeling and her finger grazed his nipple; knowing full well that he always loved it she continued to do so.
Mentally prepared for it to be commanded to a halt as she was convinced that he was over her, she continued as his breath grew quicker and he melted into her like a sundae cone in July.
"What are you doing to me?" He groaned under his breath looking up at her with one eye.
"I'm not sure," she said breathlessly. For she was genuinely perplexed at this reaction that she had gotten from a man that she never thought she would have her hands on again.
To be continued....
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Monday, May 2, 2016
The Game
I am getting ready for the
evening. I’m so excited to see him. My best friend's big brother makes me feel so safe when he
holds me. But this night is
different. He called me at work and said
that he needs to talk to me seriously about something; that he's picking me up for dinner at 5, no ifs, ands or buts about it. I love it when he takes charge like that. He always knew what's best for me and I trust him as much as he trusts me. I'm not like the other girls; he likes that about me. I love that after 27 years of friendship, my best friend still has no idea we've been doing this since high school.
I hear the knock at my door and my knees
quake so hard I can barely make it down the stairs. I call down to my son to let him in. They make chit chat as I make my way down,
trying my best not to cum and show him how bad I want him again. The usual talk about life goes on as we make our way to the little hole-in-the-wall restaurant we love to call ours. We both order dirty vodka martinis with pickle brine - the best ever here. He orders the mac and cheese and I order the steak quesadilla without peppers (we both dislike cooked green peppers with a passion). My clit throbs through straight faced dirty
talk over dinner. The usual "how's life" and complaints about our dating woes; as if we don't already text each other a hundred times a day. Since we were kids, we have become experts at the conversations that nobody can tell we're having; looking like best friends hanging out. We were raised to take care of each other, and so we did.
We decide to go back to his place to watch Titanic. It's always been his favorite movie, much to the chagrin of my love of watching things blow up. Just like daddy taught him, he opens the car door for me and holds my hand to help me out. He holds my hand as we head to the front door, fumbling with his keys, I notice he's different tonight. He proceeds to lead me up the stairs to the couch, reaching up my dress and ripping my
panties off my round ass, bending me over and pushing them deep inside my pussy; stopping to
take a nibble mid-way. With a stern look he tells me to sit down and make sure
I'm centered on the towel already waiting for me. My panties are already soaked to capacity inside my tight little hole and I just can't help myself as I feel the juices dripping down my leg as the realization hits me that he planned this.
I'm already trembling
in anticipation as he puts my dirty little panties in my mouth to dull the
moans he is sure that he's about to invoke from me. My brain comes to as he helps me with my dress just long enough for him to spin me around and suckle my engorged breasts as he sits me down and then it's gone again. He takes both of my hands and places them on the back of the couch as if silently instructing me to hold on for dear life; sliding his hand downwards until he reached my clit, still sucking my breast as the other drips.
His grey-blue eyes burn into mine with the same desire I've been dying to give into all day. Before I know it, every inch of my body is trembling and pulsing and writhing in pleasure as I bite down on my panties trying not to wake daddy up. He stops suckling and removes my panties from my mouth. He has a mouthful and he's going to share it; he's such a thoughtful man to know how thirsty he makes me. Dribbling out of my mouth onto my chin on purpose so he has to lick it off and give it back; my favorite game.
Then suddenly, he stops everything and gets up. Smiling. It's time to watch the movie.
TO BE CONTINUED......
Friday, April 22, 2016
Vanquish
"Just because I am not outwardly asking for anything
doesn't mean that I am not inwardly pleading for your everything"
To be not just that girl
Your company or mere companionship
But to be THE girl in your eyes
Oh for Pete's sake
You are the one that I breathe fire for
One millisecond in my mind
And I'm standing here smiling like I've just learned how to
I want the passion that builds
When two have a deep and mutual craving for each other
The one that leaves me longing
Awake at night reaching for you
As you need me so much too
That you hunt me down in only the place we know to find each other
You captured me with your illusion of desire to be inside my thoughts
A black cloud of carefully placed words
I have found myself falling for you at a terrifying rate
This growing anticipation is requiring a patience that
Leaves me feeling like I'm going to hit the wall any moment now
I want the novel turned Rom-Com
But I don't want the process
I'm not too sure about the apologies and cynicism and the binge drinking
The tears and breakups and friends opinions can see themselves out of the plot line too
Which then begs the question
Why do we have to lose love to learn to appreciate it?
Can't we just love what we have when it's in front of us the first time?
And then we laugh and high five because we did anything but that
Deep within I am repairing
But you've chosen to live inside there and rip to shreds
I've known for awhile, my love
The impact you were going to have on me
Every piece I sutured carefully
I'm convinced I'm going to go mad
Under these deafening alarms I'm trying to ignore
Trying to thread the needle when all I can see or hear is you
I wanted to look into your eyes and fight about it
Screw apologies that I owe to myself
Kiss and make up about it
Ego screams "Never in this lifetime"
You need to be the one to get out of this vortex
Because I am not ever going to be able to stop dropping everything for you
I surrender so easily without a single punch thrown
My bulletproof plan was defective
The exit wounds match my smeared lipstick
Save the sulking for someone who isn't dying to feel important in your arms
I hung my DO NOT DISTURB signal up
But you still managed to find your way in
That's not why we're here
We miss that thing we do
Our dirty games
Ending in swearing that I'll quit you
One touch quiets the exclamation marks again
Maybe next time
doesn't mean that I am not inwardly pleading for your everything"
To be not just that girl
Your company or mere companionship
But to be THE girl in your eyes
Oh for Pete's sake
You are the one that I breathe fire for
One millisecond in my mind
And I'm standing here smiling like I've just learned how to
I want the passion that builds
When two have a deep and mutual craving for each other
The one that leaves me longing
Awake at night reaching for you
As you need me so much too
That you hunt me down in only the place we know to find each other
You captured me with your illusion of desire to be inside my thoughts
A black cloud of carefully placed words
I have found myself falling for you at a terrifying rate
This growing anticipation is requiring a patience that
Leaves me feeling like I'm going to hit the wall any moment now
I want the novel turned Rom-Com
But I don't want the process
I'm not too sure about the apologies and cynicism and the binge drinking
The tears and breakups and friends opinions can see themselves out of the plot line too
Which then begs the question
Why do we have to lose love to learn to appreciate it?
Can't we just love what we have when it's in front of us the first time?
And then we laugh and high five because we did anything but that
Deep within I am repairing
But you've chosen to live inside there and rip to shreds
I've known for awhile, my love
The impact you were going to have on me
Every piece I sutured carefully
I'm convinced I'm going to go mad
Under these deafening alarms I'm trying to ignore
Trying to thread the needle when all I can see or hear is you
I wanted to look into your eyes and fight about it
Screw apologies that I owe to myself
Kiss and make up about it
Ego screams "Never in this lifetime"
You need to be the one to get out of this vortex
Because I am not ever going to be able to stop dropping everything for you
I surrender so easily without a single punch thrown
My bulletproof plan was defective
The exit wounds match my smeared lipstick
Save the sulking for someone who isn't dying to feel important in your arms
I hung my DO NOT DISTURB signal up
But you still managed to find your way in
That's not why we're here
We miss that thing we do
Our dirty games
Ending in swearing that I'll quit you
One touch quiets the exclamation marks again
Maybe next time
Friday, March 25, 2016
Seven Year Itch
I cannot forgive you,
The man who has hurt me.
But I can forgive the child that was
Before you became this monster.
He was innocent once.
Before we all grew up and started trying to kill each other
And loved and adventured without fear of a THE END.
You sang hypnotically to my soul
And I ran because I saw that you were bleeding and needed me.
There was so much red I stopped being able to see straight.
I knew that you were going to be one for the books.
I have fallen and gotten scraped from time to time,
But you simply gutted me.
In what feels like seconds you had me drowning
In your hypnotic confusion.
The words you spoon fed me were holy.
Not like religion as you had hoped,
But like Swiss cheese.
I still nailed myself to a cross made out of apologies anyway.
I know I'm nothing to you.
I'm a fucking plagiaristic copy of every other being
You spewed invisible promises at.
I'm still finding myself wanting answers to this myth of yours.
You were always more beautiful as a stranger.
Are you sick or just from Hell?
One of these days I will forgive myself for falling in love
With someone who never existed in the first place.
In minutes I was ripped from my happy place by you.
And somehow thought I'd be fine,
And just grateful that I made it out of your sickness alive.
Bright sides...
There'd be no art if your rose colored glasses
Weren't kaleidoscopes in disguise.
I keep wondering why I'm not telling myself
That I'm going to be alright.
I'm reaching,
But there are not arms for me to find solace in.
There is something about this new found silence that now has me more scared
Of being alive than of dying.
I am an escaped hostage who can't find her way home
Standing in her own living room.
I was always the brave one.
The warrior.
If you know what's good for you,
You'd drop the act and do the right thing.
You should have killed me.
As always it was half-assed
And still managed to rip everything I am out of my soul.
I'm still in here somewhere.
What will you do when you find that your discarded pawn
Was really the queen you were searching for?
I still find beauty in your "almost".
The man who has hurt me.
But I can forgive the child that was
Before you became this monster.
He was innocent once.
Before we all grew up and started trying to kill each other
And loved and adventured without fear of a THE END.
You sang hypnotically to my soul
And I ran because I saw that you were bleeding and needed me.
There was so much red I stopped being able to see straight.
I knew that you were going to be one for the books.
I have fallen and gotten scraped from time to time,
But you simply gutted me.
In what feels like seconds you had me drowning
In your hypnotic confusion.
The words you spoon fed me were holy.
Not like religion as you had hoped,
But like Swiss cheese.
I still nailed myself to a cross made out of apologies anyway.
I know I'm nothing to you.
I'm a fucking plagiaristic copy of every other being
You spewed invisible promises at.
I'm still finding myself wanting answers to this myth of yours.
You were always more beautiful as a stranger.
Are you sick or just from Hell?
One of these days I will forgive myself for falling in love
With someone who never existed in the first place.
In minutes I was ripped from my happy place by you.
And somehow thought I'd be fine,
And just grateful that I made it out of your sickness alive.
Bright sides...
There'd be no art if your rose colored glasses
Weren't kaleidoscopes in disguise.
I keep wondering why I'm not telling myself
That I'm going to be alright.
I'm reaching,
But there are not arms for me to find solace in.
There is something about this new found silence that now has me more scared
Of being alive than of dying.
I am an escaped hostage who can't find her way home
Standing in her own living room.
I was always the brave one.
The warrior.
If you know what's good for you,
You'd drop the act and do the right thing.
You should have killed me.
As always it was half-assed
And still managed to rip everything I am out of my soul.
I'm still in here somewhere.
What will you do when you find that your discarded pawn
Was really the queen you were searching for?
I still find beauty in your "almost".
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Mid-Morning Observation
I'm messy when I'm human.
I mistake puddles for oceans and before I know it,
I'm having a drunken one night stand or changing my hair or rearranging furniture and deep cleaning my closets or starting a new project that I'll never finish in an attempt to disinfect my feelings that are crawling under my skin like the sand worm in Beetlejuice in an effort to get you off of my mind.
I need a new escape plan.
My dog will watch intently while he decides whether or not you are worthy of putting your hands on him.
This could take minutes or it could take months;
but he will never rush to his decision.
Once he has chosen you,
he'll spend every moment in your presence reminding you of his love and demanding yours.
He is the smartest 9 year old I have ever met.
I want to be more like him.
I on the other hand,
seem to be a big dumb dog who is stupid excited for a belly rub every time that way you look at me crosses my mind.
Mind shut off,
not caring how vulnerable I've just made myself.
Foreign, alienated.
Invigorated, yet settled.
None of the physics-defying devices that I've crafted over and over in my mind have been able to outrun those who have left my life.
I don't miss most of them.
Chronically allergic to human relationships.
That's what I've always described this "thing" that goes on inside of me as.
I've never lost a limb;
but I bet that's exactly what losing you would feel like.
I mistake puddles for oceans and before I know it,
I'm having a drunken one night stand or changing my hair or rearranging furniture and deep cleaning my closets or starting a new project that I'll never finish in an attempt to disinfect my feelings that are crawling under my skin like the sand worm in Beetlejuice in an effort to get you off of my mind.
I need a new escape plan.
My dog will watch intently while he decides whether or not you are worthy of putting your hands on him.
This could take minutes or it could take months;
but he will never rush to his decision.
Once he has chosen you,
he'll spend every moment in your presence reminding you of his love and demanding yours.
He is the smartest 9 year old I have ever met.
I want to be more like him.
I on the other hand,
seem to be a big dumb dog who is stupid excited for a belly rub every time that way you look at me crosses my mind.
Mind shut off,
not caring how vulnerable I've just made myself.
Foreign, alienated.
Invigorated, yet settled.
None of the physics-defying devices that I've crafted over and over in my mind have been able to outrun those who have left my life.
I don't miss most of them.
Chronically allergic to human relationships.
That's what I've always described this "thing" that goes on inside of me as.
I've never lost a limb;
but I bet that's exactly what losing you would feel like.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Museum
I used to believe in signs. Perhaps I still do, but I don't go looking anymore.
Words I thought were painted vividly are showing themselves to me but they're as muddled as braille. Honestly! Constantly wishing and hoping...
If the Gods wish for me to read riddles, I wish that they would please take my permission and not hold back when they hit me with "Hello" square in the face.
There's a strange reassurance in your existence that helps remind me of mine - as if being here and loving you has begun to make me real.
I'll let you into my brain. Walk amongst my favorite memories, safeguarded behind ropes and glass. I won't let you touch them. The broken little girl I have let you see isn't the one you're touching when you lay your hands on me. The heart you're watching beat behind the gilded sign is too damaged to ever be whole again. Remember, you're here on a free day pass. A view like this isn't going to last long. I'll show you a glimpse of who I am and shutter the doors because I saw that you weren't paying attention. I will recount all of my favorite memories; not that you have any interest in getting to know who I am. You are a visitor, only welcome to listen.
It's not like I can't live without you. I've done that already. It's just that suddenly being without you feels unnatural. I've never been willing to pull the sun out of the sky for anyone.
Memories are meant for visitation not for residency. I never wanted to be loved. It's just that being in the same room as your presence hits me in a place within that tells me I could have fallen in love with you with my eyes closed. The memory of the sparkle in your eye that you had watching me when you thought I didn't see you has made a home in my mind. It was as if something inside of you had caught fire. It was as beautiful as it was unsettling.
Carefully pay attention to the signs that read "Do not touch" and "For safety reasons, stay inside of this line". I wish you had brought a sledgehammer.
Friday, March 4, 2016
So, about last night.....
PICTURE IT:
When you're physically sick because of all of the insanity and there is one thing in the world that would make it all go away for a little while because you really suck at stress.
And that "thing" is actually a person.
And you've never needed anyone.
Not ever.
And for some screwed up reason that has yet to be defined,
they do something to your soul you've never experienced yet feel like you've waited for your entire life.
And you don't understand certain behavior and it all defies logic to you.
Things have been going on that have caused you to almost give up on this person entirely.
You restarted your dating website profile last week in an effort to patch over the hole their existence left in your mind.
Why not?
They won't commit to you.
Even if you don't want to,
you're certainly free to do as you damn well please.
And you so don't want to.
You chat a bit.
Get hit on a bit.
Get asked out.
But your heart isn't in it anymore.
You know exactly who and what you want and nothing else is going to do anymore.
Patience and time;
a new-found mantra that strangles you because you have anything but.
Because you're already in a heightened emotional state,
everything else is horrible too - including him.
A fact that is recognized after you proceed to lose your shit entirely.
And you put your foot down that come Hell or high water you're going to see them and get what you need.
Maybe he really was just as busy as he said he was.
Maybe he really is just the douche bag you think in your head that he is.
And yet, you canceled a date that you had set up so you could see him.
It turns out to be way more than you expected...
emotionally.
You two say things to each other that have need to be said.
You clarify that you aren't an option.
He clarified that you are wrong about what you said.
He also clarified that he is in no rush for anything.
You find yourself no longer feeling that cuddling feels more like you're a hostage than it does comfort.
It's actually quite nice and you even allow yourself to relax a bit.
You bond over politics and the debate on TV.
And then you fidget because you realize this and it starts feeling like a hostage situation.
They tell you that you make them happy just being around them.
You spend the night in each other's arms.
The entire night.
And it's wonderful.
And you freak out inside.
And your brain is stuck in this peaceful,
floating space between La La Land and Pure Joy.
Then the vision hits you like a fork in the eyeball:
What appears to be a tiny, black plastic hair elastic on the bedroom floor.
After they told you that he hasn't had any other women there.
But it's the same type of elastic that you used in your daughter's hair - only hers are rainbow shades.
Bullshit is called.
And the walls around your heart fly right back up
- filled with holes like Swiss cheese where they were napalmed by the floaty space you were just in.
And you turn into this fact finding weirdo you don't even recognize.
You start feeling feelings.
A whole shitload of them all at once.
An Olympic sized swimming pool full of allllll the feelings.
Right out there in the open.
And then you jump out of it spewing the weirdest shit out of your facehole....
it was like an out of body experience.
You're more grossed out by the sensation of being a human being more than the fact that you possibly feel things that you shouldn't be.
He just goes on with no fucks given.
Wants to know "What my problem is".
"It's probably the housekeeper's".
Such is life.
He has no idea where it came from.
Thanks you for saving his cat's lives because they would have eaten it.
You start spewing things out of your mouth that you have thought but vowed (until you were angry) that you weren't going to say.
Now that you've calmed down and think back on it, you don't even know who that chick was.
You get dressed in a hurry with "Maybe you should choke on it, d- bag" dancing through your deranged head.
You get home.
You cool off a little.
You go "say anything" on him.
As if I haven't done enough of that already.
**Note: When I'm sorry for doing or saying something, I have this odd tendency to over-admit to being wrong. Like, I have to explain the root of the problem and my thinking behind it, so they understand where I'm coming from like it makes the apology more real; or something. I don't even understand it myself, to be totally honest. For lack of a better term, I get verbal diarrhea.
And then there was this:
There is a small possibility that I am a dickhead.
I was at work.
Yes, I made it there without harming anything or anyone.
I was even in a better mood.
I was minding my own business, and my friend E. from work comes over to chat before her shift like she always does.
We've been talking about "him" since the beginning of things.
She's married.
She helps me understand men a little better and sometimes talks me off of the so-called homicidal ledge.
I tell her about last night.
Then I tell her about this morning.
Halfway through my description of the elastic, she asks,
"Was it black?"
Dumbfounded as to how she could know this, I respond yes.
She smiles her gentle, motherly, "You're an idiot" smile that she gives so well.
"It very well could have been an elastic that comes on a cord when you buy something that holds it together. My husband is notorious for leaving them all over the house."
And there you have it; I think we may have made a few passersby worried by the fit of laughter and stupidity that we melted into.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Little Voice
I find my mind quieted and unable to bring myself to leave.
I fell as easily as fingertips that trace over my body.
Teasing.
Bruising my ego with every goose bump and loss of breath.
Leaving me with a longing that I'm not used to.
Don't go.
Beg me.
Please.
Don't brush me off.
Don't put up a wall.
I promise I'll stop being honest if you would start.
I don't want to stop feeling this way.
I set out to destroy you.
It was I who am destroyed.
Check. Mate.
Imploded upon myself.
Point. Proven.
A brilliant plan without a plan that backfired.
You belong to no one.
I wasn't supposed to.
Finding that I'm wanting so much that I never knew existed.
I wasn't supposed to feel.
So much that I can barely breathe just thinking about you.
You weren't supposed to prove me right.
My heart doesn't belong in my body anymore.
Please take it.
We waited so long for each other.
And now we're still strangers.
I fell as easily as fingertips that trace over my body.
Teasing.
Bruising my ego with every goose bump and loss of breath.
Leaving me with a longing that I'm not used to.
Don't go.
Beg me.
Please.
Don't brush me off.
Don't put up a wall.
I promise I'll stop being honest if you would start.
I don't want to stop feeling this way.
I set out to destroy you.
It was I who am destroyed.
Check. Mate.
Imploded upon myself.
Point. Proven.
A brilliant plan without a plan that backfired.
You belong to no one.
I wasn't supposed to.
Finding that I'm wanting so much that I never knew existed.
I wasn't supposed to feel.
So much that I can barely breathe just thinking about you.
You weren't supposed to prove me right.
My heart doesn't belong in my body anymore.
Please take it.
We waited so long for each other.
And now we're still strangers.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
For The Love Of Logic!
I just read something...
it kind of struck a cord. And then that cord actually turned out to be more like a fuse to an internal mine filled with dynamite.
1. You're
2. Really
3. Over-thinking
4. This
5. You
6. Could
7. Probably
8. Just
9. Point
10. To
11. Your
12. Chest
13. And
14. Say
15. The
16. Word
17. Boobs
18. While
19. Winking
20. And
21. Giving
22. A
23. Thumbs
24. Up
25. And
26. He
27. Will
28. Be
29. More
30. Turned
31. On
32. Than
33. He
34. Ever
35. Has
36. In
37. His
38. Life
39. Because
40. Men
41. Treat
42. The
43. Most
44. Recent
45. Erection
46. As
47. The
48. Best
49. One
50. Ever.
There you have it folks. It was an article titled "50 Words Every Woman Must Know To Drive A Man Wild In The Bedroom". Given that I have a lot of experience with cock, I would have to say that I used to agree on this.
However once in awhile, someone comes along that changes everything that we know about what we think we want. Who we are. What we know or think that we've learned about human behavior. Someone who makes our nostrils flair and our pupils to dilate just a tad at the sound of their voice. The world seems to turn to a haze around the world you've been living in and normally could find your way around even on your worst bender. Now after coming home from spending time with them you're lucky if you can stagger to the bathroom in the middle of the night and remember to put the seat down that your kid left up before sitting.
They have fucked your shit up entirely; and you know it the second that you could have landed the perfect one nighter and walked away because you'd rather be snuggling on the couch watching the news with Mr. Twilight Zone than with the banging bod from out of town who you know would understand that you don't do sleepovers and leave just like he was never there in the first place and you're not even mad at the Universe for that test.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Meeting
I didn't want to like him. One octave out of his mouth and I had no choice in the matter.
We talked several times on the phone in between text messages. I found myself thinking things that everything logical in the world tells me I shouldn't be thinking yet my inner hopeless romantic wants to dance on the edge of the cliff anyways. And then my not so inner socially awkward moron says them out loud. This man is a walking library filled with my favorite words. He hasn't run screaming yet. I guess that's a plus.
Then came the night we met:
He warned me that he wanted to rub my leg on the drive and asked if I'd let him. I kept trying to act nonchalant about the whole thing and act like I was a good girl. And I am, for the most part. I can behave. I know how....I mean, I might pull a tendon and pop a blood vessel, but I can do it.
I was a wreck the entire day at work. I knew exactly what I was going to wear but I changed my shoes 3x and then when it came time to leave changed my mind again. And of course I made the decision to wear a pinup style halter dress on the most blustery day in November. I still managed to look cute even with the wind trying to make a fool out of me. He was already doing a wonderful job of that.
He walked through my door with a look on his face that I couldn't read...anticipation but extremely confident in a way that wasn't cocky about it. Maybe a little cocky. Instant goosebumps. I still get them when I think about that exact moment.
I was not expecting him to drive the kind of car that he does. A Lincoln. Given some background information it sort of makes sense, but still not really. Sturdy, reliable, timeless. Oddly comforting and sexy.
It is so fortunate for us all that we don't have something I can only describe as a mental screen projector, just showing everything we're thinking right out in the open for all the world (and him) to see. I had so much going through my head and without fail one look my mind went totally blank. He'd look away just to start the racing up again.
Conversation with him is weird and wonderful and unsettling and right where I know I want to be, almost like a long lost friend that I've been missing all this time.
We went to a little hole in the wall place that is amazing and had dinner. We both hate cooked green peppers to my dietary relief. I've never had a dirty martini with pickle brine, I am now hooked. I had a steak quesadilla, he had the mac & cheese at my suggestion.
We talked about a lot of random things. I do recall how I felt. I do recall being blown away that he was into much of the same things that I am into. He had seen my pictures that I have on my Fetlife page of the modeling that I do for fun and said that he enjoyed doing that kind of thing himself. Oh who the fuck am I kidding? I was so ridiculously gaga and so busy trying not to say something stupid that I barely remember half of it.
Then we left. The second both of our feet hit the sidewalk he gave me a grin and before I knew it I was back to the building in his embrace losing my sanity and finding it all at the same time in the Holy Grail of dating moments. Purse to the ground, my arm automatically reached up to seal the deal. I was gone.
I don't know what I was thinking (frankly I wasn't, at all.) but something was said and before I knew it I didn't have the top of my dress on anymore and he was sucking on my nipples so perfectly that I didn't care that we were in a parking lot. The way we kissed made me giddy. I saw his face aglow in a way that you look when you have won something. Nobody has ever looked at me like this before.
Things continued on and before we knew it his car seat and my dress were soaked and two hours had passed. It was like we were on the cusp of being two kids who had no idea what they were doing and two porn stars knowing exactly what would bring out the intense waves of heat out of the other. Taylor Swift's "Wildest Dreams" is one of the songs I remember playing on the radio. That moment is the only thing I can think of whenever I hear it.
That was not the end of the evening.
We talked several times on the phone in between text messages. I found myself thinking things that everything logical in the world tells me I shouldn't be thinking yet my inner hopeless romantic wants to dance on the edge of the cliff anyways. And then my not so inner socially awkward moron says them out loud. This man is a walking library filled with my favorite words. He hasn't run screaming yet. I guess that's a plus.
Then came the night we met:
He warned me that he wanted to rub my leg on the drive and asked if I'd let him. I kept trying to act nonchalant about the whole thing and act like I was a good girl. And I am, for the most part. I can behave. I know how....I mean, I might pull a tendon and pop a blood vessel, but I can do it.
I was a wreck the entire day at work. I knew exactly what I was going to wear but I changed my shoes 3x and then when it came time to leave changed my mind again. And of course I made the decision to wear a pinup style halter dress on the most blustery day in November. I still managed to look cute even with the wind trying to make a fool out of me. He was already doing a wonderful job of that.
He walked through my door with a look on his face that I couldn't read...anticipation but extremely confident in a way that wasn't cocky about it. Maybe a little cocky. Instant goosebumps. I still get them when I think about that exact moment.
I was not expecting him to drive the kind of car that he does. A Lincoln. Given some background information it sort of makes sense, but still not really. Sturdy, reliable, timeless. Oddly comforting and sexy.
It is so fortunate for us all that we don't have something I can only describe as a mental screen projector, just showing everything we're thinking right out in the open for all the world (and him) to see. I had so much going through my head and without fail one look my mind went totally blank. He'd look away just to start the racing up again.
Conversation with him is weird and wonderful and unsettling and right where I know I want to be, almost like a long lost friend that I've been missing all this time.
We went to a little hole in the wall place that is amazing and had dinner. We both hate cooked green peppers to my dietary relief. I've never had a dirty martini with pickle brine, I am now hooked. I had a steak quesadilla, he had the mac & cheese at my suggestion.
We talked about a lot of random things. I do recall how I felt. I do recall being blown away that he was into much of the same things that I am into. He had seen my pictures that I have on my Fetlife page of the modeling that I do for fun and said that he enjoyed doing that kind of thing himself. Oh who the fuck am I kidding? I was so ridiculously gaga and so busy trying not to say something stupid that I barely remember half of it.
Then we left. The second both of our feet hit the sidewalk he gave me a grin and before I knew it I was back to the building in his embrace losing my sanity and finding it all at the same time in the Holy Grail of dating moments. Purse to the ground, my arm automatically reached up to seal the deal. I was gone.
I don't know what I was thinking (frankly I wasn't, at all.) but something was said and before I knew it I didn't have the top of my dress on anymore and he was sucking on my nipples so perfectly that I didn't care that we were in a parking lot. The way we kissed made me giddy. I saw his face aglow in a way that you look when you have won something. Nobody has ever looked at me like this before.
Things continued on and before we knew it his car seat and my dress were soaked and two hours had passed. It was like we were on the cusp of being two kids who had no idea what they were doing and two porn stars knowing exactly what would bring out the intense waves of heat out of the other. Taylor Swift's "Wildest Dreams" is one of the songs I remember playing on the radio. That moment is the only thing I can think of whenever I hear it.
That was not the end of the evening.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
70 Days
The permanent breakup happened just before Christmas of 2014. Here and there I would go onto my Fetlife account without doing much actively. Without going into details because it doesn't go along with the moral of this story is that the home I felt I made for myself in that community was not what I wanted due to being shadowed constantly and I was made to believe that if my partner didn't want it, I couldn't have it and there was no compromise. I had unfriended this man over a year before at the request of my former partner, but of course I would sneak a peak at his account just to see what he was up to. He had changed his relationship status to "dating" and there was a picture of him with another really hot chick, which being who I am and what that means to me I didn't message him. I was trying to be respectful.
Side note: I am starting to think that I am the last person on the planet that thinks that loyalty is a thing to be proud of.
**Fuck you instrumental Lionel Richie being piped into my ears at work**
With much coaxing from my sister (coaxing to the point where she was threatening to set up an account for me) I set up an account on Plenty of Fish around April after being on Tinder for a couple of months. After some failed dating attempts I deleted all of my accounts in July feeling that I needed to regain my grounding. Something pulled me back and at the beginning of October I had finally had enough of what was going on in my life enough to feel the need to branch out again.
I didn't even have my account up for a whole week before I got a message from him. To be totally honest, I had seen his profile when I had it up before but I just couldn't bring myself to be the one to message him first. I felt really bad about our last contact. He asked if I was who he thought that I was (my hair is very different), I said yes. He asked if I was single (You mean for real this time?). I responded that I was and the next message after that was his phone #. It took me two weeks to have the nerve to write back. I also had some family things going on that were very hard. Along with the fact that in order to have good things in our life, we have to first accept the fact that we deserve them.
November 9, 2015 is the day that changed everything.
I sent him a text. I also wrote him on Plenty of Fish to verify that I was not being a asshole, even though I was being an asshole - be it a scared shitless one, but still an asshole nonetheless, by not writing back.
Never have I ever thought that I would see the day that actually speaking to someone on the phone and having a normal conversation in real time would constitute a major act of trust and a landmark moment in a relationship. Yet here it was.
Side note: I am starting to think that I am the last person on the planet that thinks that loyalty is a thing to be proud of.
**Fuck you instrumental Lionel Richie being piped into my ears at work**
With much coaxing from my sister (coaxing to the point where she was threatening to set up an account for me) I set up an account on Plenty of Fish around April after being on Tinder for a couple of months. After some failed dating attempts I deleted all of my accounts in July feeling that I needed to regain my grounding. Something pulled me back and at the beginning of October I had finally had enough of what was going on in my life enough to feel the need to branch out again.
I didn't even have my account up for a whole week before I got a message from him. To be totally honest, I had seen his profile when I had it up before but I just couldn't bring myself to be the one to message him first. I felt really bad about our last contact. He asked if I was who he thought that I was (my hair is very different), I said yes. He asked if I was single (You mean for real this time?). I responded that I was and the next message after that was his phone #. It took me two weeks to have the nerve to write back. I also had some family things going on that were very hard. Along with the fact that in order to have good things in our life, we have to first accept the fact that we deserve them.
November 9, 2015 is the day that changed everything.
I sent him a text. I also wrote him on Plenty of Fish to verify that I was not being a asshole, even though I was being an asshole - be it a scared shitless one, but still an asshole nonetheless, by not writing back.
Never have I ever thought that I would see the day that actually speaking to someone on the phone and having a normal conversation in real time would constitute a major act of trust and a landmark moment in a relationship. Yet here it was.
Friday, January 15, 2016
1079 Days
It was requested of me to blog about some things that I did last week. I would love to, but I feel that in order to understand the place that I am in fully I must start from the beginning.
Rewind to 1079 days ago:
I was minding my own business in a relationship when on my Fetlife profile, this dude messages me. He likes my pictures and gives the old line about me "looking familiar". He has no friends on his account. He's really adorable, but I'm in a relationship (as on the rocks as it was at the time) so just keeping it to conversation and forcing (and I do mean forcing) myself to behave. After all, I do love conversation. There is nothing more intriguing to me than learning what makes a person tick. Even more so if it's something dirty.
It took 3 messages before I had the presence of mind to tell him my name. He kept making it clear that his only agenda was friendship, but something in the Universe told me that he was more interesting than that.
A few months later, things were on the rocks in my relationship and I had changed some things in my profile. I hadn't messaged him in awhile because I was staying away from that profile completely for reasons that don't fit here. He offered to give me his number which I declined because my ex and I started working our crap out (notice a trend yet?). Out of loyalty and much to my chagrin, I ended conversation with my new friend. I had allowed myself to become smitten, and I knew that my current relationship knew it, and it was either fall down the rabbit hole or be led back to the mental institution and my straight jacket that were the familiar. As unhappy as it made me, I chose the latter.
A year later:
My relationship dissolved (gasp, surprise). I messaged him randomly. We chatted a whole bunch. I was so happy to be talking to him again. Alas, the relationship was attempting to reconcile yet again, and the plans that he and I made to meet dissolved yet again.
More to come...
Rewind to 1079 days ago:
I was minding my own business in a relationship when on my Fetlife profile, this dude messages me. He likes my pictures and gives the old line about me "looking familiar". He has no friends on his account. He's really adorable, but I'm in a relationship (as on the rocks as it was at the time) so just keeping it to conversation and forcing (and I do mean forcing) myself to behave. After all, I do love conversation. There is nothing more intriguing to me than learning what makes a person tick. Even more so if it's something dirty.
It took 3 messages before I had the presence of mind to tell him my name. He kept making it clear that his only agenda was friendship, but something in the Universe told me that he was more interesting than that.
A few months later, things were on the rocks in my relationship and I had changed some things in my profile. I hadn't messaged him in awhile because I was staying away from that profile completely for reasons that don't fit here. He offered to give me his number which I declined because my ex and I started working our crap out (notice a trend yet?). Out of loyalty and much to my chagrin, I ended conversation with my new friend. I had allowed myself to become smitten, and I knew that my current relationship knew it, and it was either fall down the rabbit hole or be led back to the mental institution and my straight jacket that were the familiar. As unhappy as it made me, I chose the latter.
A year later:
My relationship dissolved (gasp, surprise). I messaged him randomly. We chatted a whole bunch. I was so happy to be talking to him again. Alas, the relationship was attempting to reconcile yet again, and the plans that he and I made to meet dissolved yet again.
More to come...
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