Simplicity

 i don't need 

fancy or shiny things

give me 

slow hands

honest eyes

and your full attention

with ease

and butterflies

give me you

that's all i will ever need

to be happy

The Difference

HE: Darling, let's have sex. I am horny

SHE: No hun 

HE: No?

SHE: No, let's make love.

HE: What's the difference?

SHE: People have sex simply because they are horny, we make love because of intimacy. Sex can easily be done by anyone, making love is with someone you love

HE: I love you

SHE: I love you too. Making something means we're putting thought and heart to it, not just chasing after an orgasm. Love making is not about who is horny and needs an orgasm but the both of us. Love making is kissing, love making is speaking love to each other, love making is pursuing me, knowing me. Love making is opening up to you a world that you view as sacred, not just giving you a wet vaglna. Love making is touching each other with affection. Love making is looking to each other's eyes and seeing faithfulness, depth, honesty, vulnerability. Do you know many wives wish their husbands would make love to them as opposed to having sex?

HE: I am guessing many?

SHE: So many my love. It's just that many wives don't know how to voice their frustration. Their husband's don't put heart into it. Little foreplay. They cannot give but want the wives to suck, bend, do acrobatics. Their husbands just want a penis inside, pump, pump, then cum and sleep. No affection. The wife gets little or no pleasure. No touching. Boring. The wife just lays there sexually frustrated and feeling used

HE: That is boring

SHE: But love making is knowing me. Knowing my body. Pleasuring me as I pleasure you. Pure desire. Pure drive. Honey, this body of mine is all yours to touch and explore; don't just peruse through it

HE: I want to make love to you

SHE: I am yours. Let's make love that is spiritual, emotional, physical and mental. Drown on my lips, pour on my body, flood inside me. I want to open up to you, to wet all over you, to tremble on you. Go deep in me. I am a sensual woman, drive my senses wild.

HE: When you talk like that, you turn me on in a way that I can't explain.

SHE: That's because making love is such a strong connection. Touch me my love. Come here I give you my honey. Let's make love.

And so we have.  And I will never have sex again. 

Half Measures

 

"Tell me we are hopeless and I will give up hope for you and I but until then that hope stirs within my head projecting images of us telling stories that we have yet to tell."
                          -S.L. Gray

Maybe we were just bad timing.  
Maybe we'll meet again in another three years from now.  
What if we were only trying to be bad because being good to each other was hurting us too much?
Just a stagnant reminder of all things that went wrong beforehand.

My entire body is tortured.  Not having you;  not touching you.  
You were the rabbit hole I'd been searching for.
One look at you and all I saw was an entire universe waiting to be discovered.
You were a wonderland and inward I fell.
I wasn't looking for a relationship.
I just wanted a partner to laugh, smile and enjoy life with for a while
Or forever...
I wanted to connect to your soul, have you talk about your complexities
and push each other out of our comfort zones.

You asked me a little while ago when we were discussing doing that thing that you like
"Why no other man has kept me."
The answer is quite simple you see;
I have never kept anyone around who had any interest in knowing who I am.
Never.  Not once.
I have never opened myself up to anyone.
I always just kind of "went along"
What drove me to do that, I can't say
Fear that they'd leave if I was myself?
They did anyway so clearly it wouldn't have mattered
Through weird vibes in the universe that are completely out of my usual realm
and in every fiber of my being that wishes for this to make sense:
nothing about what this is does.
I can't explain what happens to me when you come near me.
It's like all this time I've been this feral, wild beast in a cage and then you were my rescuer.
With one touch I was instantly tamed in spirit and I had no choice in the matter.
Whatever the fuck peace was, being with you was mine.

In other words:  I gave you an unparalleled access to wreck me.
And so you have.

And still I wonder if my relentless ability to hold on is a blessing or a curse.
Hope and ignorance are good drinking buddies on a foggy night when 2 a.m. memories 
of your smile wake me up.
Everything I have ever let go over has claw marks all over it.
I have a soul that longs to be loved for who I really am.
Maybe you were just some random sign from the universe 
to prove to me that miracles really do exist 
and to prove to me that I really do have a heart.

That is now broken.

We are all a little fucked up, so let's just be real with each other.  
You and I have more skeletons in our closets than most and can barely close the doors, 
so let's stop placing blame and pointing fingers.  
Forgiveness.  Put down the sword.  
To expect a soul's mate to be mistake free is dumb.  
You're only breaking your own heart by expecting this.  
I don't want to play that game anymore.  
In saying that it would mean I wanted to play it to begin with.
Frankly, the only answer I feel I can ever utter when it comes to you is "Okay."
I have spent more of the time that I've known you emotional, 
upset and confused than any other time in my life.  
Some external to us, some caused by us.  
If only you'd stop viewing love with your own narcissistic entanglements.  
We all want what we want until the person that wants us expresses pain 
that we've caused them
Finally a light has come on;  
I cannot give a person the blessings they deserve if they are not interested, even if that blessing is me.  

Please understand, there is a Grand Canyon of difference between the girl that likes you and the woman that needs you.

For me, some things are not options:  
I love hard and completely and I laugh even harder.  
I expect a call when I am told that there is an existence of intention to do so giving me hope. 
I was raised to never allow another person to feel like they are nothing 
I will hold you accountable when you do;  
even if it is after the hundredth time I've bit my tongue.
 I've finally had enough.
I devote myself to those who want me because that's who I am.  
I'm not begging you to stay, 

I won't chase what doesn't want me around.
I was never asking you to trust me.
I was only hoping for a chance.
That you decided you couldn't afford to give.
There will be no more, "I'll call" and then don't respond madness.
I am a person worth having, 
So commit to being in my life or just watch me from social media.

Half measures are not allowed.

If you wanted me, you would have found me.   
The only certainty I know is that if knowing that someone is who you should be with the second you hear a syllable of their voice, 
then I'd rather be condemned for loving all the wrong things than loved for hating everything you consider right. 

It's not letting go of the past that is a problem for me.  
It's that the cruel and unusual mind wants to keep its fantasies.  
Even when they're wrong and cruel to our hearts.  
It's that it's a constant struggle to let go of the possibilities that I saw 
in those rose colored kaleidoscopes.

            "It's all right."  He touched her face, gently, with the back of his hand.  "You disappear so completely into your head sometimes," he said.  "I wish I could follow you."
            You do, she wanted to say.  You live in my head all the time.  Instead she said, "What did you want to tell me?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I am dead,
And over me bright April
Shakes out her rain drenched hair
Tho you should lean above me broken hearted
I shall not care.
For I shall have peace
As leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted
Than you are now

-Sara Teasdale

Sheets and Sparks

 

Guys, this past weekend was the closest I have been to crossing off several items on my Christmas list that I have ever been.

Laying underneath the stars in Northern Maine, I started this piece.  An actual blog post is coming, I promise, but right now I would just like to have something that's mine if that's okay with you. And if it's not, then please go where I'm not.

I sent it out into the ether
That I won't stand for mediocre love
I want it to make my knees buckle
Like they do looking into your eyes
I want love to swallow me up 
Like the arms of storm clouds
Keeping me safe
I want love to rinse me clean
To shock me
I spent four years refusing lackluster love
And the world brought me you
A brilliant wildfire
And now there is not a single part of everything you are
That I could live without
Water and air
Yada yada
I want love to be something both as thrilling 
As it is reassuring
I want to curl up with it in front of a fire
I want to lose track of time 
Because there is no hidden agenda in our phones
I want to make a new world in our sheets
One that no one else can see
I want our feet and bare skin brush against each other 
And feel my heart skip a beat
I want to feel at home in your arms
I want the taste of you atop my tongue 
While my wild hair graces your body
I want your bated breath
My arching back in your hands
Feeling every curve 
As gentle sparks set fire to everything that once mattered
I want to feel your love for me coursing through my veins
I want to be this awestruck by you forever
Banana pancakes and Sunday mornings
I want to love you in every way that you've prayed for
As I have you
In the way that I wrote about you 
Before you were here in front of me
I want a love we've been waiting our entire lives for
There are things in life best enjoyed in small doses
But this
My love
Is not one of them

~cynicallovebird

**I don't know if I feel like this is finished, but I'm publishing anyways.

Call Me George

 This man was a shock to my system

What do you mean you want to respect me

How dare you be a considerate lover

And call me when you say you're going to

I don't know what to do with this

Amazing everything

The power of the pen

I wrote about him

Manifested a partner exactly like this

YEARS AGO

It's as if my Mr. Perfect delivery idea 

Has come to fruition in an alternate dimension 

And the idea of a Marvel comic multiverse 

Isn't too much of a stretch

Because he was created in a lab somewhere

I'm certain of it

I want this man to do borderline disrespectful things to me
Like 
Things that would land us in jail in some countries
Unspeakable things
So hard and dirty 
That it was such a thrill to the senses 
That we can't do anything
But lay there for hours after just breathing
So much so that we have no idea what planet we're on
That it'll take days to snap back to reality
And if anyone knew what we did to each other 
They would be so horrified and proud at the same time 
That all they could do is high five us
Things that I can't wait to describe out loud in public
With everyone watching us talking about it 
And thinking we've been together forever
But it's been less than a month 
And rather than talking about our white picket fence 
We're talking about the dungeon in the basement

I also want to let myself turn into the purring kitten

I feel myself become every time he looks at me

And have dome light dinner every Wednesday

And sing karaoke with my person 

Who makes the lyrics make sense

I want to make out in a room filled with people watching

Who think we're adorable together

I want to create content with context

So great that we change hearts and minds

And if I have to spend the rest of my life

Being honest with him

Then chop down my cherry tree

And call me George right now

Jessie Says

 

 I am a vixen
                                 Always
I love control
                              Power
But you
                                   Disarm me
I want to ravage you                    
                          But this new weakness 
                               Foreign
Exhilarating                  
                   Calming
Freeing                 
My hardness
                            Softened

The lioness is now a kitten

I made the decision to show you who I am.  And due to the above, you were such a shock to my system that I was only able to show you who I am when I am with you.

I took my power back and I made the decision to show you who I really am, sprinkled with a little of whom I would love to be.

It was the best.  The preparations made my soul tingle. I had put all of my special toys away, giving up on the idea of ever getting to play again. I don't usually enjoy secrets.  Yours are most definitely the exception, yet I'm certain that we've established this. It's nice to have something that's just ours. I never thought it would be something that I would ever get to have.

The game was Jessie Says.

Jessie says eat the dinner I made you.

Jessie says get in the shower and wash your ass and put on what I handed to you.

I let you choose your implements.

Experience.

Experiment.

Touch.

Taste.

Sound.

To be continued.....

I have to keep it sort of appropriate here.  My grandmother reads my smut.